XCVII: I Won’t Be An Attorney In 2019, But I Will Be Free!
So, ya girl studied for the July bar exam up until the week prior to the exam and then chose herself and her sanity over rushing the process. YEP, YOU HEARD ME RIGHT, I chose ME.
We all know that the natural progression is LSAT, law school, bar prep, bar exam, and usually those who take these steps do them one after the other after the other.
BUT!
In all honesty, my life was not working in a way that would get me across the bar exam finish line with my sanity or happiness intact.
At that point, I had just lost too much, was experiencing too much hurt, and was just mentally occupied and checked out. I had done what I was supposed to do and stuck to my study schedule but it was to no avail. I was basically just going through the motions and retaining nothing.
Now, I have seen myself at something-closer-to-peak performance, and I saw myself at whatever it was that I was experiencing during bar prep and I knew that I had reached my limits. I had no more fight left in me and I just couldn’t push through.
It’s rare for me to choose myself because it’s usually the case that, making other people happy is what really makes me happy. But, it got difficult when law school finals, graduation and bar prep were getting closer and closer all while life was still happening in the background.
During a couple of months time, I had to brush off death, my emotions, my fears, my feelings, love, heartbreak, and disappointment. Trust me, I’m used to working through these things but sometimes it just gets to be too much.
All of that on top of bar prep was definitely too much.
I got to the point where it was like, “okay, if a pen drops, I’m going to lose it” and that just was not a stable place to be. Bar prep is daunting enough, it’s hard enough and its terrible enough without so much going on in the background. It’s also a lonely process because no one knows what you’re going through except maybe your study/accountability buddy but life is also happening to them, so, you’re alone!
it was hard learning that, you may FAITHFULLY be other people’s happiness, but that does not mean that they care about your happiness. Many times, they don’t care.
This was tough to accept during a time where I felt that I needed certain people to be there for me.
By about a week prior to the bar exam, I had lost my longest-running and closest friendship with the only person I’d ever truly trusted, I had lost a close family member in an unexpected way, I had stressed my way through my moms major surgery, and it made me feel like I was, once again, working hard towards another loss (pass or no pass).
And a lot of that lead me to the conclusion that it just wasn’t my time.
Prior to making the choice, I did not tell anyone that I was thinking about postponing, I just gave myself more time to try and study. I made the choice and then studied as hard as I could for a couple of days, but once those days were over I saw that I still wasn’t in a good space at all. I spent the majority of the time bawling my eyes out at my desk and not actually being able to study. Topics like Wills & Trusts and Community Property were making me cry just given all that was going on, and really, I JUST NEEDED TO HEAL BEFORE I COULD DEAL WITH THE BAR EXAM (even when all of the topics were handed to me).
I say that I am now free because, throughout the process and all of the loneliness, I saw different sides to people who I had considered a friend.
I saw that a lot of people did actually care about my wellbeing and my mental prosperity, but that many others were more interested in my next moves. They wanted information about what Bree was doing next, where Bree was going next, and who Bree was dating. This is fine, but if you’re not checking on me too, you’ve got to go!
Nosey acquaintances are nothing new, but they are sometimes hard to pick out because they shield their triflin’ ways in fake concern, but it becomes more obvious the more they speak. So, I definitely freed myself from those types of people.
I freed myself from those who claimed to love me but betrayed me, weren’t there for me, or were simply garbage. AND, I FREED MYSELF FROM THE IDEA THAT I HAVE TO DO ALL OF THESE THINGS BECAUSE OTHERS EXPECT THEM OF ME.
The best lesson that I learned during bar prep was that, even though we often get to a spot where we hope that others care about us enough to work towards our happiness the way that we do theirs, at the end of the day it is NOT their job to ensure that you are happy. It is YOUR job to do what will make you happy at all times.
So, I won’t be reading that I passed the Bar Exam on Thanksgiving (because I didn’t take it), but I will go into my next round of studies in a much better space mentally.